This has been a challenging year for me. A year I haven’t quite got my head around yet, and as it draws to a close I find myself wondering whether 2015 will be just as pivotal. I have lost both a Church family I have been a part of, and also a close working team. When you have spent so long immersed with the same people, it feels very odd to be without them and in many ways this year I have felt bereft. What makes it worse is in many ways, the fact that it is my own doing. I have removed myself from situations in order to make it easier on others. In many ways I feel like I have been hiding and this has made it all the more awkward when I run into people and all they have is pity in their eyes. There is no way I can let them see the situation through my eyes. These changes have had a huge impact on me this past year, and have forced me to look at things more closely. I have had to dig deeper than I ever have before, I’ve had to trust God and keep handing things over.
Part of me expected a smooth transition from one thing to another, a change the way I wanted things to happen. Although, I had not realised how much I needed the enforced rest that has occurred for myself and Kieran. When you give of yourself to others to support them through life’s troubles it can take its toll. This year has been a chance to re-focus. We know what the next steps are, there is just a time of waiting and trusting in God. This is really not easy when every person I see asks the same three questions: ‘Have either of you got a job yet?’ ‘How are you both doing?’ ‘Are you still planning to move?’ To which the answers are still: ‘No.’ ‘We’re fine’ and ‘Yes, that is still the plan.’ Trying to describe to people who don’t know God, the concept of His time-frame is exceptionally difficult. When I look back over the past and see how everything has clicked together and has been perfect timing, I have to trust it will continue. My whole life has been guided in the same way, and many good things would not have happened if I had got my way at the time. So as much as it pains me, I know that my way will not be the best thing. I need to wait for God’s timing.
There have also been a number of people I have struggled with who even with good intentions have been quite forceful and hurtful with their remarks. This has taken a lot of personal strength to reply with grace and courage to hold to my own convictions. This has been an emotional strain that I could really do without to be honest. Throughout this situation there have been a number of low points for me, but for the most part Kieran and I have remained positive and trusting in God’s provision for our lives.
So I look ahead to 2015, and hope fills me. I am not afraid of the challenges facing me, and with God’s help things will continue to change in my life for the better.